From the Utterly Secret (pain of eternal torment) Diary of Sauron, Lord of Mordor
by guest author Gomez Proudfoot aka my dad
Day 1. Or would that sound better as "Sauron, Lord of Barad-dur"?
Day 2. I decided to start this diary to chronicle my revenge on Isildur, and any who stand with him, which is basically everyone in Middle Earth except for my own debased servants. This is going to be fun!
Day 3. Possible roadblock. Am disembodied spirit, without the power to work any evil in the world. Drat!
Day 10346. Still disembodied. Drat again!
Day 20134. Still disembodied. Double drat!
Day 28908. Have discovered that I can work evil after all. Oh goody!
Day 29955. Caught filthy little sneak nosing around Barad-dur. Showed him what the Dark Lord is made of! He was walking bow-legged for a week. And, incidentally, he knew where I could find that ring I lost. Must get it back, I suppose.
Day 28989. Fool in Orthanc looked in the Palantir. Moron! He's a hideously aged pompous wizard. Kind of cute though.
Day 29026. Wizard now my helpless love slave. Go me! Also, sent the Nine after the ring. Witch-king of Angmar protested that he didn't sign up to be a gofer, but told him he is my tormented slave and must do as I say. Stuck my tongue out at him.
Day 29126. Probably should have titled this the utterly secret and so on of Sauron, Lord of Middle Earth. It won't be long now.
Day 29131. Damn. The mènage a quatre of diminutive halflings eluded my Nine. Maybe I should have made ten. They'll catch them at Bree and hack them to bloody bits. Then they'll bring me my precious, yessssss they will.
Day 29133. Heir of Isildur just HAPPENED to turn up in Bree. Seems to fancy the Ring-bearer, though of course Sam will kill him if he tries anything. He outfoxed the Nine (no bonuses for them THIS decade) and made off with the excessively cuddly halflings. Thought he was shacked up with some elf chick? Must have been thinking of some other unshaven surly loner.
Day 29140. Nine nearly captured ring on Weathertop. Isildur's heir screwed everything up for me, AGAIN. Spoilsport! He doesn't let me have any fun. Just want to conquer the world and enslave everyone in it and people get so bent out of shape about it. His ancestor was a spoilsport too.
Day 29143. Aragorn's elf slut nipped the Ring-bearer out from under the Nine's noses. Wonder what she would do if she knew he was 5-timing her with the little midgets. Gandalf meddling again as well. And what's with those campy river horses. If I wanted to be Good I could do better than that even without my ring. I too can be subtle and quick to anger, and he'd better not forget it.
Day 29147. Bruinen fouled with strawberry-scented soap. Not bad, but I think my heaps of slag are better.
Day 29149. Bilbo still senile. Serves him right. On plus side, had very nice night out with silver-locked wizard boy-toy. I needed the break, though he seemed eager to get back to his horde-raising. He's so cute!
Day 29153. Boyfriend so helpful, sent crebain to check on ring. Didn't find anything of course. Didn't have heart to tell him eye sees all. When have ring back will make him new present for finger.
Day 29158. Aragorn's slut patrol visits Moria. On plus side, my minions give them what for. On minus side, Gandalf gets in fight with old boyfriend who is SUPPOSED to be keeping intruders out of the MINES. If that Balrog hadn't fallen into darkness I'd throw him there myself! (Of course, I will do that to everyone and everything eventually anyway, but he'd go so much sooner!) If I ever find out who set them up back in the Second Age! Grr!
Day 29168. Oh good. Pint-sized sex machine coming to visit. Need to get "little Dark Lord" ready for him. On downside, bringing hyperpossessive boyfriend. No worries, though, Shelob will take care of HIM.